Spazzie's Selects is a jerky shop run by the hyperactive and twitchy Spallo, also known as Spazzie. It is a terribly claustrophobic shop in the Muck of Madrioc. The shop sells a variety of jerky, including beef, pork, lamb, fish, displacer beast, etterback, chicken, bear, and nightstalker. Some of her jerky creates special effects for the wearer, with unpredictable consequences. She appears to accept any type of meat for those who wish to turn some into jerky.
Spazzie does all of her processes herself. She debones her meats and cuts the fat out, using it to make soap as a side racket. She has a giant wheel powered by a hand crank that she uses to get the liquid fats out and has multiple cauldrons filled with different curing solutions, which generally have a base of water, salt, and a nitrite. Mounds of salt and celery are stored in barrels and around counters. The solutions are heated and seasoned with things like lemon juice, spices, garlic, pepper, sugars, onion, tree bark, and liquid smoke, which she makes herself by distilling the smoke that rises from her fires into filters with ice blocks on top of them. She mixes her curing solutions into her giant wheel along with the meats to prime them, then dries them in the back.