- Agent NAME was given a birthday card that said "You're not old, you're retro"
- Agent started talking like a 1950s gangster, their attire changed, and carried around a violin case. They had to undergo months of deprogramming
- Birthday room was decorated with standard colourful birthday decorations
- Employee now has to wear sunglasses at all times or suffer migraines. Claims everything is always shiny and described it as "like constantly watching a J. J. Abrams film" (note: they do have improved vision in darkness)
- Agent NAME made a wish. His ex-wife and he remarried 3 months later. An unrelated investigation revealed the wife was going through psychotic episodes and couldn't leave the agent (she could only break free from it when he was gone, otherwise she was undergoing a seamless and undetectable brain hijacking). Agent was not under direct fault but was given mandatory training. Wife is still in ongoing therapy. She has anxiety attacks if he brings up the idea of divorce.
- Singing of traditional song "Happy Birthday" summoned the Misery Cake on 4 different occasions.
INTRODUCTION:
Due to the known effects of collective belief and rituals, birthdays have to undergo specific restrictions within the DNM. All employees get a paid day off on their birthday (or an extra vacation day if their birthday falls on a non-work day that year to compensate) to encourage them not to come in. However, if they do show up certain protocols must be follow.
PROCEDURES:
A. The Birthday room
- For the day they will be put into the birthday room, rather than work in their own workspace. It will be sparsely decorated with monochromatic decorations such as banners, flyers, and balloons. No brighter than #EAEAEA and no darker than #3B3B3B as anything outside that range are to be used for wedding and funerals respectively.
- Security will be outside the room and check anyone for banned paraphernalia such as cakes or candles, and ensure Birthday procedure is understood.
B. Birthday wishes
- Individuals are allowed to come in and wish the subject a happy birthday at any time
- A group must come in, say "Happy Birthday" in unison up to three times, with no singing or any sort of musical cadence. They are allowed to clap but only in time with each other and cannot cheer. If they wish they can be provided monochrome striped birthday hats and stream-poppers.
C. Gifts
- All gifts must be given in a lidded box and closed with a ribbon. Dull colours are fine for these, but it is advised to keep them monochromatic.
- Attached notes must only say "Happy birthday" and be signed. No additional well-wishing or comments are allowed.
- Only cards with pre-approved slogans can be given, or an unadorned card that only wishes "Happy birthday". Personal signatures should be name only with no further comment.
D. Cakes
- Not allowed.
- Absolutely no cakes, muffins, cupcakes, buttertarts, pies, or any solid or semi-solid foods are allowed to have candles in them.
E. Candles
- Only a single candle may be used.
- It must be monochrome or a dull colour
- It can only be a wax taper candle. There should be no spiraling. It will be held in a single black candlestick.
- Subject must not make a wish while blowing out the candles. They should be instructed to mentally repeat "It is my birthday" as they do so.
ADDITIONAL NOTES
Over the years and with each additional change we hear the common complaint: "these procedures take the fun out of birthdays". It is an unfortunate reality we must live with. The DNM has been generous enough to offer paid leave. It is entirely on the individual to make the decision to come in or not. We've noted a 86% decrease in birthday, cake, and candle related incidents in the office since the introduction of these procedures. All complaints can be filed and submitted to the nearest shredder. It's for the safety of everyone.